sleepless

this is the first sleepless night i have had since my life with his existence, or not with his existence. when suddenly someone who once meant so much to you disappeared, it feels so awfully empty inside you. worse still, you can do nothing but to feel the disppearance of him. i'm now left with nothing but myself. it was him who taught me not to think of 'him' anymore. it was him who said he would never cheat on me like 'he' did. it was him who said i deserved someone who treats me well. and it all turned out to be another lie. it surprises me how calm i am in dealing with that this time. it's not that im calm. it's just that i feel totally helpless. i have no reason to cry for him. i have no evidence of his existence. he could have been merely my imagination. what is worst is that this totally reminds me of 'him'. all the lies he told...all the dramas we had... all the broken promises... all the empty words...are now coming back to me all of a sudden. it doesnt hurt to spend xmas time alone. it hurts when i have to deal with these shits alone...during xmas. i cant help but asking 'do i deserve this?' what i did to be left like this...to be left and abandoned by everyone i liked or loved.

i have never really liked myself. im not pretty. im not physically fit. i dont have secret admirers. (well not that i know about) and it now seems that i am reassured of my own value-less-ness.

i just feel lost and in want of lots of sleep now.