sinking thoughts

my dad has always said that we'd totally be rich one day. i was a firm believer of that until i reached the age of 16 (i think). i just couldnt see how that would be possible anymore. money never meant that much to me anyway. as a child i never even fancied a barbie doll or whatsoever. i was pretty much living in my own paranoid-OCD-imaginative bubble - the material world didnt bother me.

i have always been searching for a sense of novelty though. simply the thought of going to another country for a short visit would excite me. to me it has always been the experience of leaving where i have been my entire life that fascinates me ,not so much about having good food or buying things. however, being born in a humble family, i wasnt able to leave this tiny city until 21. for me, a more affordable way to pursue a sense of novelty is through buying new pens. nothing fancy really, just new stationery would do. basically the idea is that a new pen is very likely to lead to new thoughts. it is indeed quite a sophisticated idea when i think about it now. haha it could have been merely an excuse though. i dont know what i was thinking... or what i am thinking still.

for some unknown reason, i have always wanted to go to one of those prestigious schools despite the fact that i never consider myself a bright kid at school. (i was in fact one of those 'bright' kids (teachers would call) but my existence was mostly neglected due to my being a total introvert). to me, the idea was that the historical buildings and pretty school uniform would make me smarter. (i STILL believe in the building thing haha).

i went to good schools, but not the 'prestigious' ones. i got to receive descent education and to hang out with humble and diligent students. that is the story until i got into university. however, this 'prestigious' university that im going to provides me with the opportunity to 'hang out' with the kind of students i never got to hang out with - those who were born really well-off. it never occurred to me that i am in fact quite broke. i'd not say i suffer from poverty. i do get enough clothes and all that. it's just... i dont even have my own desk at home... that kind.

im rambling on and on...
what i am trying to say is that...
i have lost faith in myself.
i dont get how i can achieve what the rich kids can achieve.
i just dont get it.
they were born with things that i still cant get no matter how hard i am trying.